


He Is

by LKChoi



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama, M/M, Paranoia, Smut, jongtae - Freeform, mention of past Jongkey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 14:01:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10641318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LKChoi/pseuds/LKChoi
Summary: One tiny interview stirs some bitterness in Taemin’s heart that makes him question what it is he really has with Jonghyun





	

**Author's Note:**

> Yea so I based this off a little Jongkey moment during Jonghyun’s “She Is” promotions. I meant to finish this months ago but ya know, writer’s block and life happened. But yay I’m done lol. Please enjoy me blowing shit out of proportion. After all, that’s what fanfics are made of lol XD. Enjoy ^o^
> 
> Moment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IIYeu1HPl4

“Why does that sound like me?” Key sneered playfully.

“Are you sulking?” Jonghyun teased, reaching over to make a subtle affectionate gesture.

Taemin watched the broadcast with his arms folded, resisting the urge to repeatedly tap his foot as a discomforting train of thoughts started rummaging through his head. His hair was pink. The description matched. He had that look in his eyes again.

_He’ll discard you and go running back in no time._

Jinki and Minho glanced up when he rose from the couch, then turned back to the television again when he left the room thinking it was nothing. Really, they wouldn’t be wrong. It was nothing. At least, it was supposed to be nothing.

But to Taemin and the petty voices in his head: it was.

The bathroom door closed quietly behind the dancer as he approached the sink. He ran the tap and watched the water fall into the drain. Dipping his head down, he allowed the cool liquid to wash over him and shuddered as it soaked into his scalp.

Taemin reached past his head to turn it off and looked up into the mirror. The water fell in thick drops from the tips of his hair, decorating his loose white t-shirt with puddles that soaked through and thinned the fabric. He took a deep breath, savoring the cold settling into his skin and the calm that followed.

_You know better. It’s just fan-service. He adores you._ He reassured himself, but couldn’t stop the destructive thought that followed.

_But he used to adore him too._

Taemin shook his head and grabbed a towel, returning to the living room with it draped over his shoulders. He froze in his steps when he saw Jonghyun and Kibum coming into the dorm, laughing giddily as they left their shoes at the entrance. The two on the couch greeted them happily, exchanging idle bits of conversation about the time, the fact that everyone was actually home, and what a relief it was to have time to themselves even if it was just for this one late night.

Key glanced in his direction, a warm smile spreading across his beautiful features immediately when their eyes met.

“Taemin-ah.” Kibum called out cheerfully and approached him. He stopped short and scoped him out warily, noticing the wetness of his shirt and hair. “Are you over-heated or something?”

“Yeah, a little.” He lied with a weak smile. “It’s stuffy in here.”

“Hm, I guess it is a bit warm.” Key agreed passively, still perplexed by his appearance regardless of the fib he told. Taemin wasn’t good at lying. This was the same guy who couldn’t tell if others were pranking him or not and was capable of losing his cellphone in his own pocket. Key didn’t buy it for a second but decided not to press the issue, whatever it was. It must have been important for him to try lying to him of all people. “You should change or you’ll get sick.”

“Yea, I was just about to do that.”

“Wait, Taeminnie.” Minho called as he turned away. “Is there anything you want to eat? We’re going to go to find something in Hongdae.”

“Don’t worry about it Hyung. I’m not really hungry.” Taemin replied without looking back.

The room quieted as he left and everyone looked to one another in confusion. Jonghyun removed his hoodie and threw it over the couch.

“You guys go on ahead. We’ll probably catch up later.”

The group exchanged glances but didn’t question it. The lot grabbed their coats and wallets and Jonghyun agreed to text them. Once the three were gone, Jonghyun darted down the hallway, finding his way to the room the two shared. He found Taemin sitting in bed, resting his head up against the wall while staring at the ceiling. He didn’t move when the mattress sank beside him. Jonghyun glanced at him, sucking in his bottom lip when he noticed a hardened nipple through Taemin’s dampened shirt.

“You’re wearing a white t-shirt.” He grinned smugly.

“Coincidence.” Taemin remarked apathetically.

“Really?” he smirked.

Taemin lifelessly tossed his head to the side to look at him. His grin faded when he saw his expression, pale and solemn as if a precious pet had died. His skin looked pasty from the water that freshly dried. His eyes were cold as he met his gaze. Jonghyun grabbed Taemin’s hand and the younger man simply looked at it as if it wasn’t attached to his arm.

“What’s wrong?” he asked tenderly stroking the back of it with his thumb.

“You still love him, don’t you?”

Jonghyun’s finger stopped. He didn’t need a name to know who he was referring to. He thought about Sekyung and what he’d given up to be with her, which he would live to regret. His choice was made and it caused irreversible damage. Key’s face popped into his head and his heart sank as he remembered his own desperation and the rejection that came with it. It was too late for them the moment he made that choice, and who was there to help him pick up the pieces? Taemin.

Taemin could see the pain in Jonghyun’s face and felt guilt for inflicting it but no such guilt for his honesty. At first he didn’t mind being a rebound, comforting his friend when he needed to bury his regrets in soju and sex. Even after he got over it and a casual fuck was all Jonghyun sought he gave into him. He was crazy about him now. Not just physically, but sentimentally _._ He wasn’t new to the older member’s adoration of him or the comfort he knew he could bring, but Taemin needed more. Being a substitute hurt way too damn much.

“Of course I still love him.” Jonghyun confessed quietly. Taemin felt a sharp pain in his chest and a tightness in his throat. He tried pulling his hand away, but Jonghyun held fast to it. “Listen to me.”

“No.” he argued in a shaky voice. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need to. I knew-” The knot in his throat threatened to choke him as he spoke. His mind went blank and his eyes felt hot. “I knew I was right.”

“But you’re wrong.” Jonghyun protested, but the tears were already flowing. Taemin shook his head. He couldn’t see him anymore. Couldn’t breathe anymore. Jonghyun released his hand and pulled him into his chest. Taemin fought in his embrace but he curled his arms around his slacked shoulders tighter.

“Let me go.” He cried.

“No.” Jonghyun refused.

“I’ll hit you.” He threatened weakly.

“Then do it.” He challenged. “Punch me. Kick me. Bite me. I don’t care. I deserve it.”

The tears burned and Taemin hated himself for crying in the first place. He felt like a teenager again. A frail kid who needed his hyungs to walk with him to school. A maknae that was adorable by default and never seen as a man. He was tempted to do just as Jonghyun suggested. Inflict pain so that he couldn’t feel his own anymore, yet he couldn’t lift a finger when wrapped in his strong arms. He could never do such a selfish thing. Not to Jonghyun. Never to Jonghyun.

Jonghyun’s arms slipped off his shoulders and he cupped his face. His strength didn’t allow his head to turn away, forcing their eyes to meet.

“Taemin-ah. Know this.” Jonghyun whispered and kissed the fringe glued to Taemin’s forehead. “Whatever you do I’ll give it back in tenderness.”

His lips traveled down the bridge of his nose, then to his cheeks. Taemin’s skin heated on the tiny spots and he watched the closeness of their faces through watery eyes.

“I’ll hug you. I’ll kiss you. I’ll beg on my knees like a dog and kiss your feet.”

Taemin couldn’t help smirking at that, knowing full well that the older wasn’t pass doing such ridiculous things.

Jonghyun pulled his face away so that their eyes could meet again. He swiped the remaining tears away with his thumbs. When he spoke again, his tone was honest and sure, as if making a promise he would die to keep.

“I’ll never stop caring about Kibum, just like I’ll never stop caring about Jinki and Minho; but I _love_ only you. Taemin-ah, you mean the world to me.”

Taemin gripped his shirt, clenching the material tightly in his fists. He hated him more than ever. His tenderness was already too cruel to bare. His hushed but bold confession. The strong hands cradling his face, hiding the blush that formed. Too cruel. He really did want to punch him now.

“I hate you.” Hissed Taemin, lacking bite in the statement as Jonghyun started closing the gap between their faces. His lids drooped slowly as his glance dropped to the incoming pair of bow-shaped lips, his own parting in anticipation to receive them.

“I know.” Jonghyun whispered, closing his eyes when he felt Taemin’s shaky breath on his face.

The kiss started with a soft press that quickly escalated into a battle to catch one lip between an opposing pair. Jonghyun’s hands slid from Taemin’s face to his hair and down his neck. Taemin hummed when their tongues started twisting together, the kiss deepening as they tasted each other with desperation. Taemin felt like melting, the brunt of all his fears being yanked from his mind as slender fingers massaged his scalp. The grip on Jonghyun’s shirt tightened as the older pushed forward, making both singers fumble together onto the mattress. He moaned, loving the force that pinned him down as Jonghyun grinded down between his thighs.

Taemin released Jonghyun’s shirt and felt his way up to tense shoulders flexing as Jonghyun held himself up with one hand. Velvet lips released his mouth and he gasped for air, digging the crown of his head into the mattress as they made a journey down his neck.

“Jong...” He breathed heavily as his ear slipped between swollen lips and chills shot down his spine.

“Mm-hm.” Jonghyun hummed in the midst of nibbling. He slipped a hand beneath Taemin’s shirt and flicked one of his nipples, then grinned when a moan slip between his parted lips.

Taemin trembled as he repeated the assault on the small bud of skin. He couldn’t help the bits of noise that erupted from him as flashes of heat pulsed through his body. His grip on Jonghyun’s shoulders loosened and his hands slid over his shoulder blades, dragging his nails and tugging on the shirt wishing it was bare skin. He shivered as Jonghyun nibbled his way from his ear, down his neck and across his collarbones to work back up the other side.

“You’re…too much.” Taemin smirked drowsily.

“And you’re more than enough.”

That sneaky little voice in his head chimed in again.

_You’ll never be good enough._

Jonghyun’s breath on his skin was a brush of heat that kindled a flame burning deep within him, hot enough to scorch the demon in his head. His words, sweeter than the remnants of peanut butter and chocolate on the very bottom of his favorite sundae. Jonghyun was truly a composer. Coaching him how to play the way he wanted as he teased him into submission. Coaxing him to make the sounds he yearned to hear while preparing him. He was but a helpless instrument, his strings meticulously plucked one by one to create a sound even he couldn’t recognize. A sound that made his mind spin the higher the room temperature rose and the more Jonghyun touched him.

“Ah!” Taemin cried out, his hands flat on the wall when the first powerful thrust breached his entrance.

Jonghyun held his waist steadily while propped up on his knees behind him, panting heavily as he relished in the sight of himself disappearing into his body. His sweaty chest matched his breathing, rising and falling as he savored the tight wet feeling encasing him. He reached for Taemin’s hair, clutching a fist full of it and yanking it back. He wanted to claim him, reassure him with his body once again that all he wanted was him.

Jonghyun lurched forward, angling himself carefully before rolling his hips, all the while keeping a lock of his still damp hair fisted tightly in his hand. After a few test strokes Taemin’s back arched when he finally hit that sweet groove within him. Taemin groaned and his hands sprawled out on the wall as shock waves rippled through his body. Jonghyun leaned back up, keeping his angle as his pace quickened, panting unsteadily as Taemin pushed back into his pelvis.

They never needed words when they made love. Nothing was a mystery or masked when they spoke through this language. Speaking in the form of slapping skin, intermingling voices and wetness. It was rough, relentless and possessive; just the way Taemin liked it. Just the thing he needed to combat the echoes stirring in his head.

_That’s right. Moan like the disposable whore you are. You’re just a fix, a quick fuck sex doll he uses whenever he thinks of him. You’ll never replace him. You’re NOTHING!_

“No!” Taemin cried out desperately. “I…ngh.”

Jonghyun slowed his pace and released his hair. He bent to kiss along his back, his lips making their way from his shoulders to his neck.

“Taemin-ah,”

Taemin shuddered as his name rolled off his tongue, low and breathy behind his ear.

“What’s wrong?”

Taemin's eyes rolled back and he looked helplessly at the ceiling. He scraped at the wall, collecting pieces of chipped wallpaper under his nails.

“Shut up.” He growled. “Just…just fuck me.”

Jonghyun gasped when he felt Taemin purposely clench around him, his needy way of showing him just how bad he needed and wanted to be fulfilled. He felt himself throbbing in response and a burning feeling in his gut warned him that if he did it again he would probably come before satisfying him. That was unacceptable. He knew his desperation. He knew when he needed to escape in an orgasm. He knew that feeling all too well. Now, it was his job to give him back everything Taemin had ever given him and more.

Jonghyun folded his arms around Taemin’s chest and guided him back, never detaching as he positioned him in his lap. Taemin’s head dropped back on his shoulder and he curled his arms around his neck as they met in a needy kiss.  Jonghyun reached a hand down and gripped Taemin’s neglected cock, hard and seeping with precum. Taemin visibly shook when he started to pump him, and moaned when he started to thrust up into him.     

Jonghyun used his free hand to pinch his nipples, earning him a bitten bottom lip. He drew blood. He could taste the iron as their tongues curled together. Right here, right now: Taemin was his most beautiful. Bouncing eagerly on his dick and leaking into his hand. Coming undone as his orgasm coiled up from deep within him. Debauched and ruined, a Taemin that no one but him could ever know. One that only he could love, and could love him back.

Taemin felt the first shocks of his orgasm shoot through him as Jonghyun’s fist put pressure on the head of his cock. His head spun and the room melted away. All he had now, and all he needed, was the sound of his hoarse voice melted with Jonghyun’s as they both came, a rush of hot liquid shooting inside of him as his release shot out in wet strings that dirtied Jonghyun’s hand and his stomach. Yet even as their bodies trembled and went slack against each other, a third voice chimed in. That same voice that had been nagging at him all night, attacking him as he collapsed into Jonghyun’s arms.

_This isn’t love. He doesn’t love you. He’ll NEVER love you. He loves him. He’ll always love him._

Gently, Jonghyun laid him down and laid down beside him so that they could cuddle into each other’s warmth. Taemin stared at him blankly as he stroked his cheek with his thumb and placed a butterfly kiss on his lips.

“Taemin-ah, I love you.”

Taemin searched his eyes. He searched for conviction in those three words. He searched for meaning in his touches. He searched for room in his heart. He found clouds and poison. Smog seeping into his lungs, doubt threatening to choke him. He realized that the one poisoning their relationship was himself. There was no demon, just his own warped insecurities fogging his mind. But he was tired of suffocating.

Taemin reached for Jonghyun and kissed him tenderly, extracting air and thanking him for it at the same time, before he finally tucked himself into his armpit and smiled against his musky skin. He needed more time and work, but Jonghyun understood that and was willing to do everything he could to gain his love and one hundred percent of his trust. He could see it in his eyes.

Taemin’s eyes felt heavy, and for the first time that night he’d gained some semblance of clarity. He smiled against Jonghyun’s skin while Jonghyun waited anxiously for a response to his confession.

“Jonghyunnie.” He whispered sleepily. “I love you too,”

Taemin didn’t hear what he said next. The after-effects of his orgasm finally faded, leaving him with nothing but a heavy feeling that was lulling him fast to sleep. The room was silent, except his own labored breath calming down. No demon. No doubt. Just the feeling of a soft wet press to his forehead just before he slipped into unconsciousness.   

**END**

 


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